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Excitement Rebooted
Porn Addiction
How to Restore Natural Desire
Porn can be a positive experience that adds to excitement, both individually and in a relationship. But how can you tell at what point porn has damaged your natural ability to reach arousal and desire with another person? And how can you heal when that happens?
Porn addiction is an over-arching term for porn usage that has become troubling to us.
Porn Addiction doesn’t mean that we necessarily feel forced to consume porn 24 hours a day. Only that we feel a desire that we struggle to control–a craving–to consume synthesised sex, and that doing so harms us (or our relationships) in some way.
It isn’t always easy to tell when porn use has already become harmful, or at precisely what point that could happen. The questions below aren’t meant to be complete diagnostic criteria. However, if you answer ‘Yes’ to 3 or more of these, it might be worth considering the extent of harm already done, and whether to seek professional counselling:
How many of the questions below would you answer ‘Yes’ to?
- Has porn changed the expectations that you have from real-life relationships?
- Do you judge your partners by comparison to porn?
- Do you spend more than 2 hours per week consuming pornography?
- Is it easier to become aroused with porn than with a real person?
- Is it harder to orgasm from sex than from masturbation with porn?
- Do you find yourself wishing that you could turn porn on during sex with a partner?
- Is it harder to get aroused/get an erection without using porn?
- Does your erection/arousal disappear when you turn the porn off?
- Do you find yourself needing to find more varied or more extreme videos to become aroused?
- Do you need to stimulate yourself manually to become erect/aroused while watching porn?
- Do you catch yourself watching porn when you should instead be doing something else?
- Do you compare your own body to those in porn movies and use that comparison to judge yourself?
- Has porn become your foremost educator of ‘normal’ sexual activities?
- Do you feel the need to hide or lie about your porn use – either in terms of the content, or the amount of time you spend watching porn?
- Do you catch yourself watching porn to become sexually excited or to masturbate, when you weren’t aroused?
- Do you sometimes watch porn as a time-filler (e.g. on your phone or on the toilet)?
- Do you spend money on porn subscriptions/sex workers when you have difficulties paying for other commitments?
- Do you try to re-enact porn scenes?
- Are you still equally aroused when you watch the first type of porn you saw?
- Do you feel like porn might have become a distraction, or harmful to your wellbeing?
If you’ve answered ‘Yes’ to 3 or more of the questions above, or if you feel concerned that porn might be impacting your life negatively, please contact me for a Free Telephone Consultation.
I’m passionate about helping my clients heal from the harm that may already have been done and to find positive ways to use erotic content.
I’m not here to preach against porn or other erotic material. In fact, as a sexologist, a hobby of mine is to collect rare erotica. What does concern me, however, is the sheer number of clients I see every week who suffer from a vastly reduced quality of life, specifically because of pornography.
Whatever my opinion, the proof lies in the number of people who suffer, usually silently, and need help. Using alcohol as an example, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sharing a bottle of wine. However, if it were to become impossible to enjoy the taste of a meal, or chew, or feel hungry due to a need for alcohol, we’d all agree there was a problem.
It is now proven that using pornography in excess, or over an extended period–especially as a substitute for real physical interaction–physically and chemically alters the way that the brain works. Without counselling and a dedicated process of healing, we cannot achieve normal sexual function and return to natural sexual excitement without porn.
Chemically, our brains cannot tell the difference between sexual arousal from pornography and sexual arousal from a real and willing human partner. Pornography simulates the feeling that multiple partners (as many as we’d like) are willing and wants us sexually.
Traditionally, we would have to court, compete, face potential rejection, and navigate the art of sex with a real human being–and usually not 100 at a time. The reality of sex (the act, the preparation, and the competition with other partners) is enabled and regulated by chemicals in the brain: most especially neurotransmitters. When we watch porn to simulate sex, massive amounts of dopamine (the ‘happy drug’) are released. The problem is that both the quantity of dopamine that is released, as well as how easy it is to release that quantity due to tricking the brain with pornography, destroys the natural pathways to pleasure. The brain arrives at a state of neurochemical imbalance.
Porn or extreme sexual behaviour then turns to become the primary way of activating dopamine in the brain, while the natural and healthy pathways fade away. Soon enough, it becomes less and less possible to get the sexual feelings of euphoria that one would have had without porn.
Dopamine also causes feelings of excitement, warmth, and elation. The more dopamine we have in excess, the more we want. This, in turn, causes an addictive effect whereby we begin craving porn, only to find that we need more, and more extreme porn to create the same high.
In order to decide whether you need help, it is more useful to determine whether the effects are becoming harmful to you, rather than to focus too much on how it happened. Causes and treatments are best discussed in counselling, and the sooner we seek help, the better the chances of healing quickly.
There is no shame, whatsoever, in struggling from the effects of porn. In our day and age, porn is marketed as a harmless, mainstream pathway to pleasure. Unlike medication, alcohol, or gambling, no warnings are issued with the use of porn. Once you’re 18, you’re free to watch as much as you like, with no warnings, no assistance, and no advice on harmless use.
There is no evidence to show that pornography always harms us. Like alcohol, many individuals and couples enjoy pornography and have found non-harmful ways of consuming it (for now, at least). However, also like alcohol, there are many ways and circumstances of using porn that can become problematic or turn into porn addiction. The problem is that the amount, types, and methods of consuming porn that can become problematic, aren’t as apparent as we might think.
According to self-reported studies done in the last ten years, users of online porn report the following (non-exhaustive) effects as a direct result of porn:
70% – Feelings of Shame
65% – Low Self-Esteem
55.9% – PILL (Porn Induced Lost Libido)
49% – Mental Health Problems
44.8% – Broken Relationship
31.4% – PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction)
20.1% – Suicidal Thoughts
5.8% – Lost Employment
(Please contact me for a list of reading material if you’d like to learn more)
Regardless of the title: “Porn Addiction”, we don’t necessarily need to be addicted to porn, in the traditional sense, for it to cause us serious harm.
What is scary is that in the case of an addictive substance, like alcohol, the immediate effects are a hangover and disorientation. Longer-term effects can include dependence and addiction.
In the case of pornography, the longer-term effects can also include dependence and addiction. However, the immediate effects are much more troubling. Whereas alcohol causes some obvious immediate pain and then begins to dissipate when stopping consumption, porn is very different. Porn seems purely pleasurable in the immediate sense (not letting us know damage has been done), and after ceasing use, it takes much longer for the chemical balance in the brain to be restored.
In 2002, Erectile Dysfunction was a condition mostly experienced by men older than 50. Today, 1 in every 3 men under 30 report experienced ED. Research is still being done in this regard. Still, the overwhelming evidence is pointing at the fact that our younger generations are being flooded with, and saturated by porn from very early ages. 1 in 10 girls under the age of 12 views porn on a weekly basis. 9 out of 10 college-aged men view porn more than 5 times a week. Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED), is the most likely the cause. And, to the date of this writing, no porn website warns of the potential risks.
The fantastic news is that even though long-term porn use and porn addiction cause neurochemical changes in the brain, these changes can be reversed.
In counselling, clients who suffer from the effects of porn use will begin to see an initial improvement in 2 weeks. With dedication, continued improvement usually takes 6-8 weeks. And, on average, most clients report complete healing after approximately six months. They report naturally high libidos, the renewed ability to become aroused from natural responses/non-porn-dependent fantasies, healthier relationships, and a sense of freedom from dependence.
It is possible to re-sensitise the brain to sexual signals without counselling, simply by abstaining from porn and masturbation. However, doing so is highly unlikely to solve the main problems. It is improbable that any person would refrain from masturbation for 3+ months, and the mental health effects of doing so might pose additional concerns. The longer-term effects of porn usage need to be resolved to avoid mental health consequences. Also, merely ceasing porn is unlikely to suddenly re-enable natural arousal and attraction mechanisms that have become distorted over time. Many of my clients who suffered from the effects started viewing porn at a very young age, usually meaning that they never developed natural arousal pathways in the first instance.
I highly recommend that you address your concerns in therapy. If not with me, then through another psychosexual therapist. But, it is far more likely that you would achieve healing while dealing with the underlying issues, continue a healthy and balanced sex life (including masturbation) in parallel, and have the support you need to deal with any mental health issues that pop up along the way.
There is currently no medication licenced to treat Porn Addiction. However, psychosexual counselling has been proven to not only reduce but completely cure the negatives effects of porn addiction.
During counselling, we’ll examine the following:
- Identifying the extent of harm
- Information and Education on porn use and healing
- Psychosexual Strategies to return to normal sexual function
- Integrative psychosexual therapy to resolve the issues
- Strategies to cement your healing
For many men who have suffered the adverse effects of porn, PIED (Pornographically Induced Erectile Dysfunction) has become a significant problem. It is hypothesised that porn is the biggest reason why 30% of men under 30 today have Erectile Dysfunction.
If you suffer from PIED, we will address this in counselling, and make sure that normal function is restored during your healing process.
What you won’t get from me is a cookie-cutter program that will claim to solve everything in X steps. No number of steps or acronyms are guaranteed to help you. You’re an individual, and you have individual circumstances. The counselling strategy we follow will be based on years of experience, practical, and tailor-made to help you heal as a unique individual.
Before we define Porn Addiction, it’s vital to understand that we don’t have to be addicted to using porn to experience lasting adverse effects.
Using the questions at the top of this page, my advice is to best decide whether you feel the need to address the issue. If you feel that you do not currently suffer the harmful effects of porn, feel free to schedule a free call with me, and I’d be happy to advise you on the best ways to avoid harm in future.
There is no universally accepted definition of Porn Addiction. The name “Porn Addiction” is a term that has recently been getting increasing media attention (which is great!), but it has limitations for therapeutic use.
For the sake of best practice, I believe we should define Porn Addiction as follows:
“Porn Addiction is the behaviour of consuming pornography, where the desire to view porn becomes a craving that is often out of control, that cannot be reliably stopped indefinitely, and where viewing porn causes problems in the person’s life.”
Please note that even if the person can control the cravings, it may not be “Porn Addiction” exactly, but it doesn’t negate the damage that can be done to the person’s life.
Statistical research in this field is too young to provide reliable figures. Additionally, the numbers of people suffering the effects are growing at astronomical proportions.
30% of men under 30 now report having had erectile dysfunction at some point. Most often, this is due to pornography. 90% of college-age men view porn five or more times a week, and many under-aged children have easy access to any site on the internet via mobile phone. The youngest patient to report suffering from Porn Addiction was a girl at the age of 13.
Several websites exist that focus on ‘rebooting’ the mind away from porn. Unfortunately, most of them provide half-truths and opt to make quick money from the advice. However, for the last two years, the most popular site reports doubling its members every three months.
The truth is that if you’ve watched porn before, you’re at risk of experiencing harmful effects. Considering the era we live in where we almost feel peer pressure to normalise it, controlling this behaviour to protect ourselves will continue to become more and more difficult.
It’s vital to understand that there are ways to view erotica safely, but that doing so must be done with the greatest of care in full knowledge of the risks and techniques to stay safe.
The amount of time required to heal from the effects of porn will vary from person to person. Factors that affect the duration of healing include the period the person has consumed porn for, how old they were when they began, where erectile dysfunction or loss of libido had already set it, how extreme the content needed to be by the time they sought treatment, and whether their partners are supportive.
The goal is to eliminate the ‘need’ for porn. Through a process of integrative psychosexual therapy, we’ll identify any harm that has been done, discover the underlying causes, and create new and positive pathways for sexual arousal. We’ll discuss facts surrounding porn addiction and porn usage to make sure you’re fully equipped with the correct information to make decisions. Most importantly, we’ll also focus on other aspects in your life that were either affected by porn, or that affected your craving to consume porn.
Our goal will be to leave you fully confident and entirely restored. During the time we continue therapy, your neurochemistry will reset to ensure that your dopamine levels are triggered through natural responses. We’ll also work on any factors that could be affecting your libido to ensure that you feel a sense of sexual vitality and energy, without the need to use porn.
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Our initial consultation should last around 30 – 45 minutes. We’ll have the opportunity to discuss your primary concerns and reasons for seeking treatment, and what the outcomes are that you’d like to achieve.
I’ll explain more about myself, my professional experience, and how we’ll work to achieve your goals. We’ll go over the costs of treatment and make sure that an option is available to you that is affordable and sustainable. I’ll also explain a little more regarding the technical aspects of online counselling and explain the best ways to set up the software options available.
We’ll consider your full medical history. Below is a sample of the types of questions that we’ll be exploring:
- Describe what happens when you have intercourse?
- What happens when you try to masturbate?
- How often do you orgasm during masturbation without porn?
- (M) Do you have morning erections?
- (F) Are you aroused in the mornings?
- (M) Do you have difficulty achieving or maintaining your erection?
- (M) If so, at which point do you lose your erection?
- (F) Do you experience vaginal dryness?
- What is the level of your libido like at the moment?
- (M) How rigid are your erections?
- (M) Does your penis have a bend, twist, or curve when it’s rigid?
- (M) Have you ever had any serious testicular trauma?
- What medications are you currently taking?
- When last did you have your hormone levels examined?
- How regularly do you check your blood pressure?
- Do you often have palpitations?
- Have you before, or are you currently using any drugs (including cannabis)?
- Do you take any opiate pain killers (or have you before)?
- How much alcohol do you consume?
- Do you smoke?
- (M) How regularly do you attend a prostate examination?
- (F) How regularly do you attend a pelvic exam?
- Are you currently overweight?
- How would you describe your level of fitness?
We’ll discuss your history and background, along with questions that relate more specifically to the effects of porn usage. A sample of the questions we’ll focus on are:
- How much stress are you currently experiencing?
- Do you have difficulty maintaining a relationship?
- How would you describe your current relationship?
- Do you currently have Erectile Dysfunction?
- Can you control the duration of play when masturbating?
- How long do you take to orgasm during masturbation, on average?
- (M) How frequently do you have unsatisfactory erections?
- Do you feel your chest tightening when you think of sex?
- How has your relationship(s) been going?
- Are you worried about performing sexually?
- (M) How often do you wake up with an erection?
- (M) Do you have spontaneous erections throughout the day?
- How would you describe the quality of your sleep?
- (M) Do you struggle to achieve or maintain an erection when you are alone?
- How much pornography do you consume?
- Do you sometimes have difficulty orgasming?
- How often do you orgasm prematurely?
- How would you describe your self-esteem?
- Have you experienced any sexual or emotional trauma in the past?
- Are you worried your partner might find you inadequate?
- How worried are you about rejection in general?
- Would you describe yourself as being depressed?
- How difficult is it to focus during masturbation?
- What are the thoughts/worries that your mind drifts to while masturbating?
- How would you describe the quality of the orgasm?
We’ll work together to formulate a practical therapy plan for counselling sessions. You’ll very quickly begin to feel better and see a rapid improvement in the quality of your sex life and emotional health in general.
Sexual function is almost always affected by the level of happiness we experience in the rest of our lives. As such, we’ll focus not only on the sexual hurdles you’re facing but also on improving the rest of your quality of life.
Depending on your circumstances, I may also ask you to conduct a blood test. This test is very affordable, can be done from the privacy of your home, and will remain entirely confidential. The results will show us a starting point for your general physical health. We’ll also find out whether your body is producing a sufficient amount of the correct hormones needed for sexual function.
In the case of Porn Addiction/healing from the harmful effects of pornography, counselling will be focussed on:
- Identifying the extent of harm
- Information and Education on porn use and healing
- Psychosexual Strategies to return to normal sexual function
- Integrative psychosexual therapy to resolve the issues
- Strategies to cement your healing
Our work will ensure a vast improvement to your life in general, not just restricted to sexual function. There is no limit to the number of sessions we can have, but the process typically takes 14 – 18 sessions. We’ll work to overcome the obstacles you are facing, and explore the goals you’d like to achieve.
If PIED (Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction) or PILL (Porn-Induced Lost Libido) were concerns, we’ll address these through psychosexual therapy. We’ll also rule out any physiological causes through a blood test, and by referring you to qualified NHS/Private physicians that I know and trust.
At the end of the counselling process, we’ll review the work we’ve done and the progress you’ve made. We’ll revisit any outstanding issues and discuss methods to ensure that your confidence and success remain in place.
3 – 6 months following the conclusion of your counselling, we’ll schedule a follow-up session to make sure that everything has been going well. We’ll take this opportunity to discuss any new concerns you might have, or conclude our work together.
If you’d like more information on the successful treatment of Porn Addiction, please contact me to schedule a Free Initial Consultation.
Client Feedback:
“I was extremely nervous when I contacted James. It was very embarrassing to explain that I had a problem with porn addiction and that my relationship with my partner was on the rocks because of it.
James immediately set my mind at ease. His voice and manner immediately welcomed and calmed me. I didn’t feel judged at all and learned that my problem was actually far more common than I realised.
His approach is very practical. I had 14 sessions in total and all of them contained practical tasks that I had to complete or think about before the next session.
By the end of my sessions I was back in control of my life again and I felt free for the first time in years.
Now that I’m ready, we’re seeing James for couples therapy and things are going REALLY well. We haven’t been this happy since we met and this time we know how to make it last.”
G & S, Wandsworth, UK
Erectile
Dysfunction
Erectile Dysfunction can always be treated. Find out how I can help you.
Desire
Differences
Learn to navigate libido in your relationship. Rediscover intimacy and passion.
Hyper
Libido
Learn to master an elevated libido. Tame the dragon and find balance in your sex life again.
Erectile
Dysfunction
Erectile Dysfunction can always be treated. Find out how I can help you.
Desire
Differences
Learn to navigate libido in your relationship. Rediscover intimacy and passion.
Hyper
Libido
Learn to master an elevated libido. Tame the dragon and find balance in your sex life again.