Couples Connect

Desire Differences

How to Love With Passion, Always.

Sometimes, differences in libido are one of the main causes of problems that couples face. Other times, diminishing desire in sex is merely a symptom of a wider issue. In both cases, by far the most frequent complaint that couples seek advice for, is when libidos get out of sync and intimacy wanes.

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Few things can pull relationships apart faster than when partners have drastically different levels of desire for sex. In fact, many psychologists even believe that when differences in desire are too great, the gap can never be breached and the relationship is best ended. The sordid world of inexperienced advisers in online advice columns frequently echo that belief and, sadly, are responsible for breaking up many once-happy relationships.

I don’t believe that has to be the case. Just because partners have different libidos doesn’t mean the relationship can’t flourish. We’re all unique, which means that nobody has an exact matching libido to anyone else, anyway. So why the negativity?

The answer lies in the level of frustration that the couple experiences. It simply cannot be resolved in an advice column or over lunch on a Sunday afternoon. Relationships always require hard work. We do it because the rewards are so great. Because sex feels (and is) one of those rewards to great love, it’s usually a very painful feeling when it stops working.

Ending a relationship only makes sense when the partners are ultimately better off single. However, surely in the case of unmatched libidos, the best result wouldn’t be to be single—it would be to have more intimacy and more closely matched levels of desire.

I pride myself on my experience to help couples reach new levels of passion, desire, intimacy, and closeness—no matter how much space there is between them when we begin counselling.

Don’t give up or lose hope. I understand your anxiety and how lonely it can feel. You’re not alone.

Please contact me or schedule a free initial telephone consultation.

Client Feedback:

“Before Adam and I reached out to James, we were headed straight for divorce. We’d been married for 7 years and things were going great… until recently.

Adam and I both had very active libidos. But recently his began fading. He often felt depressed for seemingly no reason. We hardly ever made love anymore and every tiny trigger turned into an argument.

I was feeling anxious all the time and my sexual frustration was unbearable. We love each other very much. But the more I felt like he was avoiding me the more he felt pushed and pressured.

I eventually began thinking that it was me that he’d lost interest in. I ended up questioning myself and feeling unattractive all the time. We tried seeing another sex therapist but that didn’t work out. We also tried a couples therapist but we ended up arguing even more.

It turns out that we needed someone who had experience of working with anxiety, depression and self esteem, together with being an experienced sex AND couples therapist.

James’ knowledge, wisdom, and calm has helped us to avoid breaking up the most beautiful thing that ever happened to us. The result is a relationship where we not only have red hot sex but also truly understand each other and care for each other’s needs for the first time.”